Sippin' Sadness

How honest is too honest? 

I’m not sure so I’m going to share anyway. I’m sad… not an I just watched the last episode of a really bomb ass show sad, but a gut wrenching, can’t shake this, I’m fighting for my life sadness. I am the biggest advocate for therapy & I literally get overjoyed when those I love share that they have taken the first step towards their healing or simply just share experiences from the sessions they have because I know how important getting your mind right can be, especially in times like these. 

For the last two years my journey through therapy hasn’t been the best but I’ve pressed on… I’ve done a lot in the name of self care & healing. I’ve prayed, fasted, & even started going back to therapy recently, but in all honesty the embedded hurt doesn’t seem to want to let up. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I fear the lonely will get the best of me. I’m afraid that even after the work is done that it won’t be enough for me to be enough… ya know? 

I have people in my life that care for me, & have no idea just how serious what I feel is. I feel very alone most days. I never want to burden people with what I have going on because we are all struggling with something & our own weight sometimes is more than enough to carry without trying to add someone else’s. There’s also the underlying fear that when I expose my weakness I’ll get shitted on… if you’ve read other post you know this is a regular occurrence. I just want to avoid that part of the hurt again which is yet another reason why I just… don’t 

I have had people who have claimed to love me tell me to suck it up because from what they see my life is just grand. They assume that because they see what I post on SM that I don’t need to be checked on & when I’m having a real issue it’s hard to even fathom because “I’m always good.” Or it’s “you have the basics that many people would die to have so what are you complaining about?” I just want to know when did my material possessions become more important than my internal feelings? 

I come home every night to be alone with my thoughts that often feed me lies that I’m not enough which is indicative of my loneliness or that no one cares so why expect a call or text that will never actually come? I know that most of the things I think or feel are fabricated thoughts that are intended to break me & to be honest these mfs might be winning a little bit. 

I know the methods. I know the processes. I’ve done a lot of the work through my therapy sessions I’ve had but it still feels like a ride on a train to nowhere. Most days I’m fine but when I’m not, it’s bad & that’s really the scary thing about all of this. I used to have my people that I thought cared & loved me but their exit from my life proved that to be untrue…

I had someone speak to me & hug me a few weeks ago & I broke out in full blown tears because in that moment I just needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay… when the things you thrive off of (physical touch & quality time) are not being fed life kind of gets rough. To be honest, I want my sad tears to turn into tears of happiness but how…? People always say happiness is found from within but what happens when your heart & mind don’t align in that aspect? What happens when your mind says you’re good but your heart is screaming for relief? 

I will never discount how I feel because I know there’s validity to what’s going on. Just trying to keep pushing each day is a challenge but I know what’s on the other side of the sad for me so I won’t quit. On this journey the best thing I’ve done for me so far is being honest with myself. Allowing myself to feel the feelings & then storing in my bank of each emotion the fact that I never want that kind of experience again. Unfortunately for me this wave of sadness I have not been able to control but I’m trusting God that this too shall pass.

Thankfully journaling & blogging have literally saved my life a few times. Being transparent in most things has been a gift & me writing these words isn’t a cry for help or an invite to my pity party, it’s simply me possibly over sharing for the sake of getting to my next step…

Your girl is strong, but your girl is tired. When/if you see me hug me… I’m sure I’ll need it ❤️

Let Go & Let Love

Tee