If It Isn't Love...

I went to a wedding this weekend. What was supposed to be a joyous occasion turned into an emotional moment that I just could not prevent. For as long as I can remember, I have aspired to love & be loved in return. For most of my life I had a plan, God, along with adulthood, has shown me that nothing ever goes the way you want it to & that’s okay.

For the last year or so, I’ve had to really start toying with the notion that I may never get the thing in this life that I want the most. I had to come to terms with the fact that falling in love may not be in the cards or in the plan for me. That’s been hard as hell. Hard because it truly made me begin to question my worth…even question God in a way. 

It’s so many scriptures to support both getting the love I desire & supporting the fact that man was not meant to be alone, but there’s also many scriptures about trusting God & his plan for our lives, which could be anything, because very seldom do our plans align exactly with what He has outlined. For me that may very well include not ever being in love again & that’s a hard truth to digest. .. it’s hard to accept that I have to be happy & cheer on my loved ones who are prospering in an area that I may never venture to. 

If you’re around me enough or know me just a little, you’ll know that I have been claiming & praying to meet my future husband by my birthday (which is next month btw). I was in Miami for the wedding & so was Michael B. Jordan, I just KNEW God did that lol. Anyway, they say name it & claim it. Write the vision make it plan. I don’t know how much more plain I can get then: GOD I WANT A HUSBAND. 

Seriously, all of my feelings, all of the things that scare me & excite me about love, I’ve had to give to God (Yes, I gave my Tinder account over to the Lord) & move on. I can’t dwell in that because I might be missing something else that’s being handed down because my sole focus is elsewhere. I do believe that the love I experienced before was a glimpse of what was waiting on me when the time is right & that gives me hope. 

I was at my best when I was able to love & care for someone who I thought was doing the same for me (we all know he wasn’t), but those moments felt like a small piece of heaven to me & I want that again… this time the right way & in the right timing. 

I’ve concluded in my realizations, that I needed to find something I could love just as much as I planned to love the person God had ordained for my life. Something that fulfills that emptiness… something that moves me in a way that real love is supposed to & here I am… A year into my writing journey & starting to work on my dream of becoming a published writer/author. 

In my life love has hurt, but also healed me & I feel my writing is love in its purest form, from me to you. A gift that gives you the emotions you both want & don’t want. A gift that gives each time I open my heart to share. A gift that will long outlive me. I don’t think that I could have ever found this love if there was never any heartbreak. 

So, no God might not have a physical man for me right now to love in these moments, but he has given me something much greater in writing. Being able to share me is love, being able to feel & live through the emotions as I write is love, being able to be transparent & open is love. 

Even if I don’t get to ever experience love in the physical form again, I’ve been gifted something much greater that allows my love to not only be spread all over, but also touch hearts & minds in a way physically loving one person could never do. 

Honestly, I didn’t believe I would be okay alone, if that was God’s plan, until I sat down to write this blog post. The most beautiful thing to me in this life is love & I am realizing that no matter the capacity in which it’s given, it will be the thing that ensures we are never alone 

Let Go & Let Love

-Tee