Dating Diaries: Volume 2
It’s so crazy that my first & last installment of this series was almost 3 years ago. So much has happened since then & in all that’s occurred guess what y’all…? I’m still single AF! I’ve been by myself for so long that I’m going through the motions of not want to feel for someone outside of myself. It’s honestly a scary place to be because what happens when that person actually does come into my life? Will I ever be able to love again!?! I don’t think I even know how 😩
Anyway, this is going to be long so buckle up. We have a lot of ground to cover. I’ve been putting my best foot forward trying to date these last couple years & nothing I’ve done has worked which has lead me to believe that… IT AIN’T ME! I’ve opened myself up to dating all types of men (except the short ones) big, tall, skinny, kinda ugly, very attractive, you name it! I’m doing all of this & still getting no where? What’s the point?!? I guess the point is I love love so much that I’m still pushing in hopes that my cause isn’t lost…
Okay that intro was cute, right? Here’s another episode of:
The Disastrous Dating Diary: Teedra Edition…
Let’s just go over what’s happen in this last year… Because I don’t get second glances or approached AT ALL when I’m out, online dating is unfortunately the route I’ve had to take more times than I’d like to when I’m feeling like I’m ready to get out there again, but I decided in May of 2021 that I wanted to revisit a moment from my past because y’all I thought I loved this man. We’ll call him Donte. Donte had been in my life over a decade but because of other loves I thought I had we never had the chance to actually be together. One random day I hit him up trying to rekindle things. He told me to pull up & I got my happy ass in the car…
That night we had a really serious conversation with sooo many emotions involved. The negro even cried y’all… HE CRIED & at that point I KNEW this was it. I was ready to be a MRS. Donte told me how he wanted to have stability in his child’s life & how he needed a good black woman by his side to help usher her into being the princess she was.
I was sitting there nodding like that ain’t no problem…
I was made for this. I’m ready to be your queen!
We ended the night in agreement that we would make this work. He said he had to work early the next morning but as soon as he got off we would speak… guess what…? We never spoke. Short story short… he ghosted me & less than 6 months after that encounter he was engaged. Don’t do it… reconsider
Then there’s Shawn. Shawn was/is someone I know. I’ve always felt like me & Shawn had a good chemistry. We liked the same music. Enjoyed the same movies. Kinda from the same area. Shawn had always been on the list but apparently I wasn’t on his. One day I randomly posted I wanted to go on a date. There was a DM slide & of course I agreed. Things didn’t go as planned which had me feeling a way & ready to cancel… but I went out anyway. I can’t say that we had a good time because it kinda just seemed like something to do & not a real date but I chalked it up to my vibe being off because there wasn’t much thought in it & moved on. Me & Shawn don’t really speak. A like or a reply to an IG story but that’s really it. I’m assuming sex is all he reduced me to because I’ve gotten some advances but… it’s a no from me dog…
Next up we got Carter (y’all know these names aren’t real so don’t be tryna snoop) I met Carter on Facebook dating. Red flag #1! We exchanged numbers & within a few days we were ready to meet up. In the short time we talked he was extremely attentive, engaging & seemed genuinely interested. He asked me out & of course I accepted. We ended up at one of my favorite places for drinks, hookah & a good time… Harold’s. The date went so well. We legit closed the place down then talked another hour outside until like 3 AM. He told me he worked in an area close to my apartment & assured me that he wanted to meet up again one day during the week since he’d be so close. I texted him like he requested that I made it home. He replied about what a good time he had… never to be heard from again.
After Carter I decided to chill & I legit didn’t talk to anyone for months because what was the point. Everyone I came across just wanted me to pull up & vibe. No one wanting to actually date & get to know me so I was good on it all.
In December I said what the hell!?! Got my ass BACK on Facebook dating & met Zion. Zion was literally the man with the plan. Out the gate the convo was strong. We exchanged numbers & he was like I’m at this place having drinks, join me. I’m like okaaaayyy…! I agree to join him, but he assured me that this wasn’t considered our first date & that was coming soon. The first hour was awkward AF with him making comments like “I thought you were lighter, you were lighter in your pictures, but you’re beautiful” BOOOOY!
I shoulda took that as a sign to leave, but I pressed on. Things got a little less weird & the vibe was there. We stayed together about 4 hours before we decided to part ways. He texted me as I walked into my place & says he didn’t want the night to end & I agree we should have stayed a while longer because I was enjoying myself. He then says let’s go for a ride & see the city at night. I’m like now sir! This is my favorite thing let’s do it! I meet him back at his house. We get in his car & we out. Laughing. Talking. Singing off key. My lil romantic heart is in heaven. We get out the car… take pics. The whole nine. I finally make it back home around 4 am & we text until I fall asleep. A few hours later he asks what I’m doing & like a granny I’m in the grocery store at 9am before the crowd. He’s like drop your location I’m OTW. He pulls up. We shop. He brings my things up to my apartment then dips as quick as he came. I’m like that’s weird…that’s suspicious…
The whole next week we are conversing. Mentioning how we both wanted to see each other again. The weekend comes & instead of making a plan this man “WYD” me to death & had the nerve to get mad because I was out doing other things. It was clear that he decided I wasn’t worth the effort to make plans for. Once he concluded that I wasn’t going for it, he says his goodnights because he literally let the whole day pass without a plan & then sends this text (LOOK AT THE TIME ON THE RESPONSE!):
As you can see that was a dub & also my last straw.
I’ve gone back into my shell because I’m not sure my heart can take much more. It almost feels like a punishment to have this much love & yearning inside & not be able to share it. I check in with my feelings a lot because me being who I am usually has me overly dramatic & extremely emotional & I never want those things to have me in a space of delusion.
Lately though, it’s been a real numbing time & to be honest that scares me because I’m a person that has always felt things. After being in therapy, I’ve finally learned to articulate & navigate those feelings only to feel myself shutting down again when I don’t feel it’s even worth it. I’ve gone without a real romantic love in my life for most of my life & I think my inner self is beginning to adapt to a romantic love less existence.
I haven’t had a real hug in a long time & I’m long overdue.
I haven’t had ears that listen with intent or eyes that stare in admiration. I haven’t had hands regard me as fragile or delicate. I haven’t had my lingering scent send thoughts of my essence to the brain.
I don’t know if love is meant for me, but I lowkey still have more than half my life ahead of me so anything can happen. The pulse of love is weak in my body due to the things I’ve experienced, but there is still a fighter in me that says that it may all still be worth it.
Am I going to actively look to date.. hell no!
Am I open to whatever I come across… absolutely!
I’m washing my hands with it all until then because I owe it to myself to stop breaking my own heart betting on players that never were really in the game to begin with…
As always…
In all ways & in all things,
Let go & Let Love
-Tee
