True Life: I Don’t Know What The Hell I’m Doing
This is going to be the least thought out post I’ve ever done… but follow along…
I’ve known for a while now that I’m living a relatively lonely life. I’m not sharing this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I am sharing so that if you find yourself in this position, you will know that you’re going to be just fine.
About three years ago, I noticed a shift in my life concerning my primary friend group. The person I considered a best friend at that time became distant due to the new forever friendships I was forming. Instead of acclimating to the changes & realizing that we were both growing, but still the same, this person decided to make their exit from my life without notice. Along with their exit, came about 4 or 5 others. At first I wondered what I had done, tried to get closure, & wanted to know if there was a chance of reconciliation.
Then I realized, after looking introspectively, that the removal of what I thought were key parts of my life was exactly what I had been praying for. I had asked God to remove all temporary people from life & show me who was really cheering for me & who was silently plotting. He did just that & I couldn’t even be mad because he had done exactly what I had asked for.
Before a few weeks ago, I had honestly thought about reaching out to two of those that were removed over the past 3 years. I saw though, that they were making no reconciliation efforts & I should just leave it alone. I have picked up. my phone several times to text or call someone just to talk.. to reminisce & realized on each occasion that I had no one.
I read in one of the many social media memes that I encounter daily a quote that loosely stated: “If a person can stop talking to you & end a friendship without communicating why, you were never THEIR friend in the first place.” It hit!
Anyway, aside from the loneliness of this week, I also came to terms with my single stage. I wanted to pick up the phone Friday night & hit up some old flames. I wanted to go out be boo’ed up & drink a little bit, but instead… I sat home watched my shows from the week, took Ciroc shots & ate Zaxby’s. Honestly, it’s a process, but I’m learning that it’s better to sit at home alone most nights, than to settle for a temporary fix by hittin’ up these people that mean you no good.
In my chill, slightly tipsy, Friday night my mind went to Kyle. I know for a FACT that he & I will NEVER be an item again, unless God himself comes down & says he is it, but I just had an amazing week & wanted to share with someone I knew would be happy & celebrate with me. I miss that.
I know my top five gets tired of me ranting & raving about everything lol I wanted to give them a break. One of my best friends, who I like to refer to as Master Splinter said it best though. She told me that as long as she is in my life, she will always cheer me on & that made me feel great. Just knowing I have at least one person in my corner makes me want to keep pushing.
I’ve been all over the place in this wave of emotion this week. I’m kind of on a high. I submitted my first short story for publishing & did some planning for April that I am really excited about. I feel like no-one really knows the magnitude of my joy & excitement, but the silent victories will soon be made public.... JUST WAIT ON IT!!!
I used to always think there wasn’t a place for me, but progressively I’m seeing that there is a lane for everything & everybody & if God has given you a vision & purpose He will make a way no matter how penetrated the market you’re trying to enter is. I am trusting that things are going to work out how God sees fit.
Honestly, I’ve been winging it. I’m out here & I don’t know what the hell it is I’m doing, but it all feels right. It feels like I am going in the right direction. I started this blog as my therapy with no real intent on sharing it with anyone, but the positive feedback has been so overwhelming & makes me think that being open & transparent about my life experiences is what I’m supposed to be doing.
I used to always wish, hope, & dream about having at least one person I could relate to growing up, but that person never came along for me. I want to be that for someone through my writing. If I can help just one, then my work here is done (that was good lol). If you haven’t already, check out the podcast I was featured on last week!
Click the link below:
Find a way or make one… Either way commit & succeed
-Tee