Aside from a relationship with God, I truly believe that our relationships with our friends come next. This idea, to me, is solely based off the fact that this is the tribe you get to choose to ultimately help you navigate life & do hood rat shit with on occasions. Outside of that though, our friends are a chosen group of individuals that we look to for advice, for prayers, for strength, for peace, for a listening ear, for the hard truths, & so much more.
The thing that makes friendships hard is deciphering the reason & the season individuals. In the past three years, I’ve lost a nice chunk of those who I believed would be on my side until the end. Honestly, there wasn’t a big announcement, there wasn’t a grand gesture, or a conversation had, they just ended. At first I was hurt, confused, & wanted that closure. I wanted to know what I had done wrong, if anything, & how I could fix it because like any relationship you are fully vested in, I couldn’t imagine doing life without those people.
Closure isn’t always needed a lot of times... especially if it’s not you that caused the rift or decided to go ghost without an explanation. I tried to mend fences a lot. I tried to reach out. Sending long text messages of reconciliation when I didn’t even know what it was that I did wrong.
There are people that I have been friends with for decades that ghosted me & I thank them for it. If I was ever the toxic friend, or the friend that didn’t listen, or the selfish friend them leaving my life allowed me to see that. Sometimes we don’t see it while we are in it & it takes separation to bring revelation.
I had this one friend, let’s call him Nate. Nate & I became friends in middle school. He was the true definition of the male best friend that every girl should have. Nate & I navigated high school, him leaving for college & graduating from college with ease & we still remained the best friends that finished each others sentences & picked up where things had left off when we had been apart. I loved him, probably beyond the lines of friendship, but because of the value I placed on the special bond we shared, I left it where it was.
It wasn’t until about two years ago that me & Nate started to fade. One year, I didn’t get the usual birthday message & excitement that I had grown accustomed to. I didn’t think it was a big deal so I mentioned it to Nate thinking he’d laugh it off, give me the reason why, & we’d move on. That action led to us not talking for a year or so because of how he felt that I knew nothing about until we talked. I missed him so much it hurt. I swallowed my pride & reached out with hopes that he’d be receptive. After a few weeks, he came around & we were back like we never left. I was elated.
Holiday season ’18, we lost it again. This time hurt a lot less. Like before, I don’t know what caused this rift, but this time I don’t care as much. I’m deciding to focus on the people who have decided to stay instead of those who have made a voluntary exit based of something I have no knowledge of.
Relationships fade, bonds break, & people grow apart. It’s something that comes with living, something that we all face. What we learn, how we respond when it happens, how we progress, how we excel after the fallout is what matters most.
Having lost a handful of “friends” on my journey has really been eye-opening. Each time a tie was severed, I immediately thought about what it was that I did wrong, where the flaw lied within me, instead of realizing that life happens & people grow apart.
In my adult life, I don’t have many friends from my past & it sucks. Sometimes I will see things or hear about things that I remember from growing up that I want to share with someone who can relate & I have no one to call, no one to rehash those memories with. It’s a comfortable discomfort. I’m good with how things have/are playing out. If it weren’t for those friendship misses, I wouldn’t have hit the jackpot with the tribe I have now.
No they haven’t been around for decades, they weren’t able to experience the purple contacts & crazy colored hair me, they don’t know the local hot spots from my upbringing, but they know me. They know my heart, they know who I am & who I aspire to be & unless it’s something that they know will help me grow, they don’t ask or suggest I compromise myself or conform.
I’m thankful for God helping me to make room, involuntarily or voluntarily, for those that support, uplift, help cultivate, & help motivate my dreams. If you’re having trouble dealing with the why know that it does get better, know that once you learn to appreciate those who stayed rather than dwell on those who left, life will become a little simpler.
There are a few things in life that we don’t get to chose, family being one of them, but when it comes to who we allow in to form bonds & friendships with we have the control, the power to decide who we want to be influenced by… Choose wisely.
The course of your life isn’t determined by what you do, say or even who you are, it’s decided by who you allow in to influence, uplift, & encourage.
Friends. <3
Find a way or make one... either way commit & succeed.
-Tee