It has been extremely difficult to come back to this writing thing honestly. I’ve not had much inspiration or motivation to share. Partly because of my discouragement. Most days I’m okay. The others not so much. My tear stained pillows & personal journal entries tell a story of hurt, pain, heartache, & loneliness.
I struggle daily with feeling worthy, being enough, & just living a “normal” life to make others believe that I’m good when in actuality I’m not. Being vulnerable, transparent, & open isn’t my thing. Showing emotion isn’t me. Being strong for everyone else has always been Teedra & as much as I write about this growth journey & being better I still need someone to be strong for me.
As I write this through blurred vision, caused by my tears, I realize why I held on so tightly to Kyle. I didn’t want to feel how I feel in this moment… alone & afraid to love & open up to anyone because as much as I may seem “okay” I’m not. I’m learning that my biggest flaw is the ever present desire to be loved & to love in return.
Moving on & falling for someone new has been quite the journey, that I’m sure I’m failing at… I don’t really know what’s going to happen or what is going to come of it but I’m actually looking forward to seeing the results & if it’s really worth it.
Once you’ve gone through the things that I have, it’s very hard to really put your trust in someone else so soon. I really don’t understand what’s next in my life but I do know that love is on the list… eventually.
Ironically enough, even through my fears & hurt, I still believe that love will find me. In this journey of self discovery and re-commitment to myself, I’ve lost not only the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with but also friends in return. I lost friends after I really & truly learned my worth. I learned that the love that I freely give isn’t for everybody to take & the love that I yearn to have isn’t going to come from everybody I let into my life. With that revelation, my circle got smaller & smaller & the space & void in my heart grew bigger & bigger.
The things that I have gone through have ultimately shaped my life for the better, for the best, for the greatest love of all (#shoutout Whitney Houston) After the events at church, a few weeks back, I haven’t really heard much of Kyle. Unfortunately for me, I know he’ll be back. It’s kind of sad that you don't realize what you have until it’s gone. As cliché as it may sound, it’s true as hell. When you’re loving from a genuine place, which I was, all a person can do once it’s gone is respect it & truly see how much they fucked up & I’m thinking now that this might be where Kyle is in this moment.
I know this may sound crazy, but I still miss him, maybe more the thought of him than him physically, but you get the point. He filled a large part of the void in my heart & mind. In missing him though, I realize why I’ll never go back. I realize why being me is so hard in this moment.
I recently had someone that I’m “seeing” tell me that they can’t/don’t know how to take me seriously. That statement bought me to another AH-HA moment. Bringing to light that it’s taking way more for me to believe mere words over actually seeing actions.
I’m fucked up. I will be the first to admit it. I’m tainted. I’m scarred. I’m worn. I am pained, but my heart still works & beats for that ‘someone.’ I feel the pressure daily as I scroll on social media & speak with my peers about dating. They all say the same thing, to take chances & make mistakes *Word to Ms. Frizzle*
I feel pressure because I don’t know how to get it right, I don’t know how to keep “him”, I don’t know how to put on so things will work out.
A love formed from a facade isn’t a love at all & Lord knows I can’t afford another false alarm. I’m taking things day by day & today has probably been the hardest in my journey.
The lonely kicked into overdrive & I’m struggling through these tears. The smiles & happiness in the future is worth so much more than the tears cried on tonight. So as I say goodnight, I’m looking to the hills for my help. Knowing in times of the storm, there will be peace.
TOTAL PEACE ;)
LOVE IS GOING TO WIN IN THE END
-Tee