In some cases consistency is key, in this case not so much. Although I don’t share as much as some would like, I have truly grown since the start of this self-healing journey & I have made great strides to growing into the woman I am called & want to be.
This past weekend was a trip. Friday I get a text from a mutual acquaintance saying ‘Kyle wants your number.’ I respond that I have nothing to talk to him about & he proceeds to tell me how he’s changed & he loves me & that he’s certain that this time will be different… that this time marriage is the goal...
I kind of brushed it off & went about my weekend. Saturday evening I get a text from Kyle from a number that clearly I didn’t have blocked, saying that he wanted to talk. Why he thought that coming to church was a good idea I’m not sure, but I can't stop the man from coming to see The Lord. Somehow I knew that he would do something crazy…
At the end of service, he proceeds to walk down during the call for salvation & I was flabbergasted lol once I saw that I made my way to the car. I don’t know if his intentions were pure or if he did it to be seen, but I wasn’t moved.
I agreed to meet with him across the street from the church & I listened to what he had to say & was basically quiet the whole time. Once he was done he tried to reach in for a hug. I wasn’t having it. I stood with my arms crossed & he went for a forehead kiss, which would have gotten me before, but I’ve been DELIVERT!
The whole meeting was a narcissistic convo from start to finish that I could have honestly done without. Just hearing him trying to plead a losing case was tragic. Listening to him horribly attempt to justify the craziness was baffling to say the least & kind of disrespectful.
I felt for years that he was trying to negate my feelings, to make them not matter & the small interaction we had Sunday was proof that I was indeed correct. I don’t fault him at this point & I don’t hate or dislike him. I just don’t need that energy in my space & it was apparent that he saw the weak girl I was before not the strengthened woman I am today.
It’s so crazy to me because all week I had been thinking about him & the friendship aspect of whatever the hell we were doing & it made me think about if people were really capable of change, if people really deserved second, third, fourth, & sometimes fifth chances???
I am a believer in change, but when it comes to the chances I’ve concluded that the answer is HELL NO. I just can’t see myself being subjected to the same hurt, the same pain, the same outcomes for the sake of not being alone & a familiar feeling.
Kyle mentioned that he read the blog. He mentioned that he didn’t know how I felt during all of these times & he felt he still needed to explain himself like I just wasn’t there while everything was happening, but never denied anything I’ve shared. Where the strength came from to basically say, “I’m good luv, enjoy” idk, but I am thankful that I was able to not fall back into something that isn’t conducive to what I'm trying to accomplish.
Being able to walk away was refreshing. It was nice to be able to not feel in that moment. I love love so much & desire it probably more than I should. I truly owe it to myself to experience something different, to see something I’ve never seen, & to allow things that are beneficial to my well-being in my space.
I don’t wish anything bad on Kyle nor do I have ill feelings, I honestly pray for him still in hopes that he will succeed & live up to the potential I know that’s there. I don’t know if this is a book, a chapter, an excerpt or what in my life, but I am glad that I am able to close out whatever it is.
My new mantra has been to find my (Y) in my HAPPY. I’ve realized in so many ways that I’m the (Y). It starts from within & when it comes from the inside. No one can take it from you :)
His text & my response... GROWTH!!!!
