Even after all of the crazy, I still wondered, I still hoped, I still prayed that one day in the future that maybe just maybe things with Kyle & I would change. Looking back on it now, I see that my desire to not be lonely outweighed my desire to love myself. My logic was so twisted & I truly believed that it was better to have half of something than all of nothing.
My wake up call really came when I no longer had the desire to save him. Unfortunately that wasn’t until early last year. I use to look at him with so much love in the years prior, but the switch was turned & the blinders were taken off & I was honestly so disgusted not only with him but myself because it was hard to believe that I had let someone so beneath me have so much power & control.
To be completely honest, up until about April of this year, I still semi dealt with Kyle. Although I truly felt nothing, that void I felt needed to be filled. He still was doing the same things as before just on a grander scaled & that alone told me I needed to run! I’m a believer in giving people a chance to change & I felt that he was doing that, but the change was yet another facade.
I have become so much more cautious to the things & the people I let into my life because of what I have gone through. I am better because of it, but still lonely. I attribute my loneliness to my dealing with Kyle, but not in a bad way. Everything that I experienced made me more cognizant of the men that I allow in my space, made me reevaluate the standards that I’d set, & made me alert as hell to ‘the signs.
There are a few more stories that I can/could tell about this experience, but I think this is where I’ll stop. I pray that my words reach someone in a way that evokes healing, peace, & love. It is my hope to spend the rest of this year just focused on the healing process & internal growth. If you will, take this journey to discovery with me?
It’s time for the next chapter <3
-Tee