‘ I gave her many reasons to leave, but she stayed’‘
Is that how you knew she loved you?’‘
No. Each time she tried to meet me where I stood. She wanted me to understand. I knew then that only love could make the broken-hearted want to fix what is breaking them.’
@writehiswrongs on IG
If there was ever a way to put the 9 years I spent stuck into words it would be this quote. It took me 9 years… 9 years to let go of hurt. 9 years to realize that the very thing that I was trying to fix was breaking me. It was taking me places I didn’t want to go emotionally. It was doing things to my mental that in the long run would be detrimental to the health of any future relationships.
As crazy as it sounds, after all that he had put me though, I still loved him. In my mind he still had redeeming qualities that made him still able to be loved. Yes, he had done horrible things, but was he still not worthy of love? Thoughts of a naive, gullible, semi-trying to get herself together woman.
After he left this time, I promised that would be the absolute last. Ironically enough, I had convinced myself that we could salvage a friendship so the communication persisted. Although we were ‘done” I would find myself at places I knew he would be with his new victim, I mean woman… trying to prove to myself that I was better than her because I had gotten out & trying to prove to him that he was missing out. Lol who the hell was I?
After a few months, he needed me again & my dumb ass went running. He had yet another asthma episode & I had the resources he needed to avoid the hospital. He sent me an address & I was on the way. I made it to him (looking great) & he got what he needed, we chatted a bit & made plans to meet up later that night after I had finished with the things I needed to do for the day…
Like a fool I went back to where I had dropped off the inhaler at the time that we had agreed upon & he was ghost. I called his phone, I texted him, I did everything but send a damn smoke signal, but I got nothing. That night I went home & cried because even through all that hurt, pain, betrayal & heartache that he had put me though I had yet again let him play me.
After that incident I was determined to get over him, so I turned up every chance I got & found comfort in sex…. Lots of it. One of my best friends & I were roommates so she tried to help with my feelings when I would think of him & I tried to convince her that I was getting past this, but with her on the other side of the apartment it was easy to mask what I was really feeling & using as a coping mechanism.
The phrase ‘HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE’ was so true in this moment because the pain that I was feeling I passed on to the guys that truly felt for me in that season. Anyway, my way of getting through didn’t work at all. I would be with my temporary baes during the day only to cry myself to sleep that night over a nigga that was laid up & thinking of everything but me.
Mentally I was telling myself that I was done, but emotionally I was everything but. It wasn’t until I began to really look at self & see the destruction I was causing by not dealing with my feelings. On the outside I was fine, but internally I was so broken.
I don’t want this to be a come to Jesus blog because I am not perfect by any means & I still partake in many ratchet activities, but the transition I made back to me was just that. Days, weeks, months had passed & I had heard nothing of Kyle & I felt that I was in the clear. I had new found friends who I had met through small groups at church & I was working my way through it. God had really shown me that I wasn’t the only one dealing with the craziness that is dating & relationships.
This season of my life was where I discovered who Teedra really was. I learned my likes & dislikes, what I would & wouldn’t allow & placed value on my heart. Vowing to never give it away so freely again was the best decision I made.
Choosing happiness wasn’t the easiest thing to do, when what you thought was happiness turned out to be the worst pain you’ve ever felt. My choice to love in spite of would ultimately be the thing that betrayed me, but as crazy as it sounds after all that I had been through & was going through… my main desire was still to be loved.
-Tee