Yeah I went back… after the whole almost killing him thing, he couldn’t stay away, I wouldn’t stay away. Soul ties are real… emotional bonds, no matter how damaged they may be sometimes are hard to break. I went back & things got worse.
It had been a few months since the car incident & we tried to reconcile. I had moved into a new place & of course he came along. Although there was too much unspoken tension, we still persisted. He called himself going on a spiritual journey & due to this new found spirituality there was new found anger. I don’t know if he was angry with himself or angry with the situation he was in, but it seemed to be everyone's fault but his own & I felt it more than anyone.
He was back to not working so the time he spent at my place, he spent it taking his journey to his new hotep awakening. As the days progressed, he began with the verbal abuse.. telling me how if I was doing XYZ he would be able to achieve ABC.
I was struggling inside because I was broken. I was getting up daily & looking in the mirror not realizing who I was & what I was truly living for. I was laying next to a man every night & still felt very alone. He had stopped doing all the things he was doing before to show me he appreciated me giving him the world when he couldn’t even afford to buy a map. In this season of whatever the hell we were doing I was so dependent on him & being what he needed that I lost myself & it wasn’t until the next time things got physical that I realized just how lost I was.
It was a holiday, I can’t remember if it was Memorial Day, 4th of July, or Labor Day, but I remember being off of work & fireworks. I begged him to go out with me because things had been so rocky with us & I wanted that spark back. He agreed & we were on our way. Little did I know our outing would be short lived.
We went to grab lunch & I had planned for a movie & ice cream after, which he used to love doing with me early on. We never made it through lunch though. He was quiet the whole meal & had an attitude like I was boring & bothering him. By this time I was fed up with it. I asked for the check & rushed to the car ready to drop him off & try to salvage the day because I just wanted to feel a little bit of happiness again.
We got back into the apartment & an argument ensued. He proceeded to tell me that he had fallen out of love with me because I had stopped lifting him up, because I had stopped believing in him just like all of the other women in his life. When I tell y’all I was livid! I could not believe he had the audacity to say these things when I was working my ass off & making so many sacrifices so that he didn’t have to go back to being & having less than nothing.
In that moment all I could do was cry… I went into the bedroom & closed the door so that I could let out all of the pain & frustrations. Here I was trying my hardest to love a man… something I knew nothing about… something my mom never taught me… something all the reading I was doing could never teach me. I thought I was doing what was right holding him down so that when he won, WE would win.
He continued on telling me what I was doing wrong, what I was lacking, what he needed from me & never thinking about what I needed from him. The tears soon turned into anger & instead of keeping my cool, I lost it. Every hurtful thing I could say, I said. I wanted him to hurt like I did. In return not only was there verbal, but physical abuse all over again. I tried to pack his shit, tried to ask him to leave, tried to not relive what had happened before. It was happening though & there was nothing I could do to change it in that moment.
I felt myself being pushed & shoved around the apartment. My shoes were broken into pieces, clothing was torn & with tear stained eyes I was going to fight back this time…I just had to get to the kitchen.. to the knives. He had an advantage. I tried my damnedest to get what I felt was going to make everything alright. All I wanted to do was to hurt him physically so that he would feel what I felt emotionally.
After all this chaos, he kept trying to tell me how he no longer loved me, why he stopped doing all the things I loved, why he stopped caring about my feelings, why we stopped having sex. He told me that I repulsed him & my services were no longer needed. Y’all…if I had a gun it would have been a done deal.
With those statements looming, I went into the bedroom & locked myself in trying to figure out what was next because there was no way this was going to continue. The next morning I woke up & he was gone. I was free… broken… but free.. it was time for me to heal. The events that took place the day before shaped me & probably are the reason why I am the way I am today.Google defines narcissist as:
nar·cis·sist
ˈnärsəsəst/nounnoun: narcissist; plural noun: narcissists
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
Kyle was the embodiment of that definition. Looking back I realize now that it was all about what I could do for him. How I could enhance his life & not what he could do for mine or what we could do collectively.
Telling me that he loved me & doing all the things that I liked were clearly sacrificial to his personal cause & not because he truly & genuinely wanted to do them. As the days progressed & I looked back I realized every single play, every action, everything that I thought was real, was all an act. All fairy-tale in my mind, but I never got my happily ever after.
This wouldn’t be the last time I saw Kyle, but that was for damn sure the last time I saw him as the gullible, naive woman I was when he met me. 6 years in & I had finally learned my lesson.
A hard head surely made a soft ass…
-Tee