What’s the saying? They always come back when they sense you moving on or doing better without them? Well I hadn’t necessarily moved on, but I was doing great.
Spring ’14, I had just moved into my first apartment & I was slowly healing from the heartbreak the year prior. I was at work one Friday afternoon, when I got a call from an unknown number. Back then I was nosey & too curious to not answer so I picked up & there was Kyle on the other end. (Definitely should have changed my number) anyway he spoke about needing to see me, about how sorry he was & how we needed to meet in person. (If a man that’s done you wrong says this… RUN!) That night I proceeded to go to the address that he sent me during our convo. I ended up at one of his friend's house, he met me outside & asked me inside for a drink & an explanation as to why he ‘needed to see me.’
He told me of how after we ended he went back to the mother of his son so that they could work it out & be a family. He, like me, had come from a broken home, so I respected him for trying to make it work after our falling out because I would have loved to have a proper father figure growing up.
As the story progressed, he explained to me how things had gotten physical between them, how knives and guns & police were involved & how he didn’t feel safe & at the time feared for his life. He expressed that I was the root cause of their problems because apparently his baby mama & I had been in a silent competition. She felt a way towards me because he told her that although I had completely cut him off that he still loved me & was in love with me. I was in competition & winning a race that I knew nothing about it.
As the night progressed, Kyle told me about how he had lost everything. How she had burned most of his clothes (a lot of shit that I had bought btw) & he had nothing to go back to. Due to that fact that I had not really dealt with our previous departure nor had I stopped loving him, I invited him back home with me so that he could have a warm place to stay & regroup. I offered him my couch to sleep on that night hoping that we could figure everything out for him the next morning. That night.. neither one of us slept, me for the simple fact that I had given in to the man once again & was truly debating on if we could really have a life together. My dumb ass…
That one night turned into him living with me off & on for a few months. He had been placed on child support so he was forced to get job to stay out of jail. He also needed to work because taking care of a grown man was not on my agenda.
Everything was cool while we were shacking in the beginning. Then he met some dudes that he started to run with & things quickly went left. He wasn’t coming home at night, he would leave for the weekends & not answer his phone, & he just stopped going to work all together. This became a problem because of course he had promised me that things would be different this time, he had promised me the world & the negro didn’t even have his passport. One day when I was at work I got a call & voicemail from his boss at the time asking where he was & if he had planned to come back into work.. that was when I found out he had stopped working & was back to his old ways.
Once I got that call, I took a half day & went straight home. He was there cleaning & he greeted me like nothing was wrong. I walked pass him without a hello & begin to pack his things. I even packed up the cable boxes & wifi router because the cable was in his name. I walked to the door & placed it all on the other side & asked him to leave. He looked confused & hurt like he was the victim, when all along, I was the one who had been getting my ass beat emotionally & drained physically.
Then the fight ensued. Once again he had failed me. I yelled, screamed, & finally told him what I had found out & knew that he was back to his old ways. He looked like a deer in headlights. He got physical. I wouldn’t say I was a victim of domestic violence, but I was a victim of domestic violence. He pushed & dragged me across the apartment, yelled & screamed about how if I wasn’t so insecure that none of this would be taking place & if I wasn’t bitching so much he wouldn’t be doing half of what he was.
I felt so defeated & stupid & had no words in that moment. I cried until my throat was sore & begged him to just leave. I finally got him on the other side of the door. He sat on the steps for an hour or so until someone came to take him away for what should have been for good.
A few months had passed & I was getting through it still smiling. I never shared with anyone what had taken place because absolutely no one in my life knew he was staying with me or that we still had any type of contact & I was ashamed & knew how crazy I would look in the eyes of my loved ones. Work was good, life was good, living alone again was great... my space was truly needed. I decided to treat myself since he had worn my car into the ground going back & forth to God knows where when I was working, so I called my mom one Saturday morning & asked her to take me to buy a new car. As I was taking a test drive, HE CALLED! Y’all the devil was so damn busy.
Somehow, somewhere this man was tracking me. I told him I would call him back once I was done doing what I was doing. In some odd, Tina Turner “What’s Love Got To Do With It,” way I had to see him, I had to share this milestone with him because I WAS STUPID & before the ink was dry on the buying documents, I was on my way to his mama's house.
That night he came back home with me & did some things my 24-year-old body didn’t even know was possible. I know now that sex was his way of apologizing because he had absolutely nothing else to offer. At some random hour after all the action, he got sick. Kyle had really bad asthma & his unemployed ass had no insurance. He made some calls to find an inhaler so that he could make it through the night.
We got up rushing out of the house headed to the chick he was laid up with that lived in the same complex as his best friend. I was hesitant, but I took him there, I thought to save his life. When soon I would be the one to try & take it…We got to the apartment & he said he would be right back. I hadn’t noticed how long I had been sitting outside until I became bored with the things I was doing on my phone. I was outside for an hour or so. I was calling him & messaging him with no answer. I was trying to avoid jail that night so I chose to not knock on her door. Why I didn’t just leave his ass there I honestly do not know. Once he finally made his way outside he got in the car laughing because he knew that I was pissed & I lost it. I asked him to get out & go back into where he had just come from since he was having such a good time & forgot I was waiting. He insisted it wasn't like that & smooth talked me to win me over.
As I was pulling away to leave, he said that he needed to go back in for something he'd left so he got out of the car after telling me I was trippin’ & stated that he hoped that I was better once he returned from getting his belongings. He walked back out of the building smiling & I could see all 32 of his teeth. In my mind, I was convinced he had been laughing with her about me & I blacked out. I put my car in drive & floored it in an attempt to run him over. He was a football player & very fast so he ran & jumped on the hood before I could make any contact.
I stopped the car after my unsuccessful try at hurting him & begin to throw all of his things out of the window I was OVER IT. (Don’t believe it though)
The neighbors were looking on in shock, but no one called the cops, thank God. He picked up his things & went back into this woman’s house & I sat there & cried. Because no one knew what had been happening between us, I had no one to call to cry to or vent. I sucked it up & called a friend that I had helped through a similar situation. It was sad that I could help her & lift her up, but couldn’t do it for myself.
As a woman, when a man tells you what you want to hear, gives you the attention that you feel you deserve, & is attentive to your needs, you see all the right when you know damn well there's so much that’s wrong. I wanted so badly to be loved & cherished that I overlooked every single horrible indiscretion. I used to chalk it up to my ‘daddy issues’ & honestly I do feel that may play a part in it, but the major issue was with my self-confidence. I didn’t love myself enough to let it go, I craved the attention. I had this man who I thought was so fine & at no cost was I willing to let him go… 15% was better than none so I took all the hurt & fake smiled my way though it.
I had truly fallen in love with a narcissist.
& even through all of that, it wasn’t over yet…
-Tee