I’m Exhausted From Trying To Be Stronger Than I Feel...

Not me realizing it’s been over a month since my last blog!

Honestly, I have taken a step back from pursuing love & relationships & well…I don’t have much to speak on. Life has been quite bland & kind of unfulfilled because what really is my life without the mess that is dating & relationships (friendships or otherwise)?

I guess now is the time that I really need to navigate what life is like without the distraction of those things. I know me… I know my likes & dislikes, but what/who am I when there is no action or outside love around? I honestly don’t know if I can answer that…

I strongly believe that we are not made to be alone & because of that I have avoided the thought of living as such. I have people around that I love & call friends/family, but with the exception of a few they all are in different parts of the country so leaning on them when it gets rough is difficult. I am the person that internalizes everything because most times I feel like I’m a bother. People are going through things that are much worse than my fear of being alone forever so I just keep it all to myself.

Moment of transparency: a week ago I lost it. I broke down & cried out in ways I never have to God for all the hurt & bottled up emotions that I felt. I cried so hard my head hurt & I lost my voice. The tears came from a dark place I didn’t even recognize in myself that I was attempting to mask behind a smile & my favorite phrase “I’m always good” when others ask about my well-being.  

My default is what is causing me to break my own heart. It’s causing me to feel in ways that I cannot even articulate. Being transparent emotionally is challenging for me. To me it’s like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode back in my face & to be honest, I don’t know if I am completely prepared for that kind of hurt again.

As much as I want to be & exude this strong woman confidence… I’m tired. Like exhausted. Even writing this I am tearing up because I can help to save so many others, but can’t even save myself now that I am drowning.

I’m not even going to front, this shit is hard. Will I give up…? Nah. Will I keep pushing…? Absolutely. Will I cry about it most days…? There is a 100% chance. But even in all that I know I can’t give up. I pray that I can find a healthy balance when it comes to this because whew chile’ your girl is SPENT! cue “I am Changing” from Dreamgirls

I got this though… send me some words of love if you have them…

In all ways & in all things,

Let Go & Let Love

-Tee