The (Situation)ship That Always Sinks
Modern day folks call it a situationship, older folks may call it playing house. I call it bullshit that I can’t seem to avoid.
A few months ago, I found myself in some shit that I knew I wasn’t even supposed to be close to, but being the delusional optimist lover that I am, I decided to let it play out. Knowing damn well that the results were not going to be favorable.
Y’all know it takes me no time to fall in love. Matter fact, I start in love & the feels fade with each red flag. With this situation the flags waved from the beginning, but I was freshly on FMLA from work & needed something to occupy my days & nights. For weeks, I let it be nothing. Convincing myself that I could do platonic. I WAS WRONG.
In my wrong decision making, I began to believe that maybe…. JUST MAYBE, we could be more than what was being presented. A small gesture turned that “situation” upside down & I got left with nothing just an occasional ride to the airport & a lil heart hurt.
Someone on TikTok the other day said that when a situationship ends, we mourn harder than we do when an actual relationship has run its course because there is still the question of what could have been. What heights you could’ve gone to if that person was YOUR person.
If that ain’t the truth, I don’t know what is. I find myself playing back conversations that made me smile, that had the potential to go in the direction we both needed them to go but fell flat. I find myself ruminating over the fact that I found peace there. That even in the chaos that is my life, I was able to breathe easy when we shared time. If you’ve been around the niggas these days, you’d understand how rare it is/was to feel safe & just be in a man’s presence without a fear that some crazy shit was going to happen.
It’s been a minute since it’s been done, but I am still left with the what ifs, left with the crazy notion that we still might work out. Continuing to live my life is the easy part because I am going to do that anyway but knowing that although we are cordial & still speak occasionally it just won’t hit the same. If I am being honest, that tears at a part of me that I have always been so sure of.
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, &/or a lifetime to teach & lead us to our destined path. Sometimes I get lost. Thinking that my capacity to love & be loved is obsolete. In this lesson I was able to see that I still possessed those qualities, but beyond that, even in what I think I lack, I am still seen, loved & thought of for it.
I truly don’t have anything bad to say about this one this time y’all. I will say thank you to him though. Without him, I wouldn’t have been able to be more open & vulnerable regardless of the outcome. Without him, I would’ve still been the girl that was afraid to take the leap even though I could clearly see that I was not going to fall.
Also from this I’ve learned to be bold in spite of. Showing up as yourself authentically even when someone disagrees. Standing firm on whatever it is you believe & not changing your values to fit the norm of others.
Do I plan to pour it all out & get my man. Nah. He knows where to find me though. If you read this… come home.
For my Tee sippers, please know that even if you got yourself tangled up & it feels good. It’s okay to walk away later. The reward comes from knowing that you deserve better & then going out to get it.
In all ways & in all things,
Let go & Let Love
-Tee
