Lonely Lives Here

When you look up the definition of lonely, you get all of these terms that still cannot accurately describe the true feeling of loneliness. If you go by what Google defines, one would think you are sad, alone & without hope, but if you describe that feeling I can guarantee that a large percentage of those experiencing it would disagree. Loneliness is so much more than being without. It’s a deep void that is so unexplainable that you’ll never know the void is being filled until it’s felt.

I can agree with Michael Jackson when he said “You are not alone” because I have people… good people in my life that love me probably more than I know, but I still can’t help but to feel… lonely. I know that people hear me but I don’t feel HEARD. I know that people see me but I don’t feel SEEN. I know I am living but I don’t feel ALIVE.

The self-care/self-love girlies are quick to say “how can you expect someone to enjoy your company if you don’t enjoy it” & I 100% agree & back that statement, but what happens when you’ve skillfully mastered the art of being & enjoying yourself all alone but desperately still yearn for companionship? What happens when there’s that moment when realistically just YOU isn’t enough?

I’m sure someone will read this & say “HEY! I’M ALWAYS ENOUGH,” & yes, yes you are! But if we are being honest with ourselves sometimes that’s not the case. The way I want to be hugged, touched, noticed, & appreciated is something outside of what I can do for myself. It’s so crazy how we can be everything for everybody but can’t be those things for ourselves.

I was on the phone the other day & explained in the best way I could how I was feeling & why. I know the person on the other end was listening to me but couldn’t fathom what I was truly trying to say. They are an active member in my life but yet even in letting them know what my current state was I still did not feel supported in my lonely regardless of their reassurance.

I’ve been feeling this way for so long that I’m actually afraid that it’s the norm. That I will become so desensitized to the feeling of feeling something… hell anything that doesn’t actually cause me pain. I am afraid that the lonely will win & that’s not something I want to happen. Even as I sit & type this, I am fighting through tears because this shit hurts. I’ve worked tirelessly through childhood trauma, relationship (romantic & platonic) trauma, physical trauma & even through that healing I have this one thing that Carmen (my therapist) can’t seem to fix. I mean I pay her enough! SHIT…

At the end of the day, I am okay. I have a small core group that keeps me fighting but when the lonely hits, there is absolutely nothing they can do or say to alleviate those feelings. Sitting here right now the lonely is at its peak (hence the post lol). It’s a beautiful ass Saturday afternoon in the Fall… (perfect weather in the shade) & I am on my patio sitting with my lonely watching people with their people…

Just waiting on my moment

In all ways & in all things,

Let go & Let Love

-Tee

PRESS PLAY ON THE VIDEO!

& listen to Ari speak the words of my heart lol