2019...Seriously, WTF Was That?

2019 was my year of destruction. This year, friendships ended that I thought were forever, I laughed, I cried (a lot), I traveled a lil bit, I lost my mind, I lost my heart, passion & drive for God. I battled things silently, not wanting to project my issues on others only realizing that I was doing myself a disservice. I fought & I am still fighting depression, anxiety, & heartbreak, but my smile tells a different story. Unless I’m alone. I’m always wearing my mask…

This year felt like my own personal prison. I was so lost in my heart, mind, & emotions that I didn’t reach many of the attainable goals I’d set for myself. I got lost in saving & salvaging things that were long past their expiration dates. Lost in being apart of something rather than standing alone prepared to build my own. I was so lost in the idea of being better & self-care on the outside, that I neglected the thing that needed to be attended to the most… my heart.

I fell in love with a man who was never assigned to me. In my eyes, he was the man in my thoughts, the man I had built in my dreams… the man that I had been praying for. In actuality he definitely wasn’t that. GOD WILL NEVER SEND YOU ANYTHING MEANT FOR ANYONE ELSE!!! I knew this, but had truly convinced myself that this was different… it wasn’t. I found myself so wrapped up in this “situation” that I was willing to play the side. Deal with the random meetups & phone calls cut short never to get a call back. 

2019 made me look within myself & reveled to me that I wasn’t the healed & whole person I so desperately wanted to present to the world, hence me still having bad taste in men lol. It showed me that I was still a woman scorned. A woman hurt. A damaged piece that attracted other damaged parts that I couldn’t fix because I couldn’t even fix myself. 

I’ve lost more friends than I’ve gained this year & honestly, I’m quite alright with it. Almost everyone I’ve held closely has either taken a bow & exited stage left or left me on simmer on the back burner I guess until I’m beneficial to them. Time out for that shit though. It hurts when someone you love & would give anything to & do anything for basically states how they are moving & it doesn’t include you. Like damn! What I do? I know I’m not the easiest person to love & care for, but I am someone who is worth it. At this point in my life, I’ve decided that I have to move with my best interest at heart because if I sit back waiting on someone else to place value on my form of friendship or place in their life I’ll be waiting forever. I AIN’T GOT THE TIME!

The thought of having the people I started the year with being absent at the end of the year is painful, but what the hell can I do about it? I did send out a message earlier in the month to everyone that made an exit that I felt were worth the reconnection & got not one reply. Another lesson came from that for me: NO RESPONSE IS A RESPONSE! & with that I closed the book. I’m grateful for the time spent & the memories but this train is most definitely moving forward & the people God wants to be in my life will either remain or be welcomed in this new decade. In the most cliché way, I AM CHOOSING THOSE WHO CHOOSE ME!

Through all the chaos, 2019 still happened to be a year of peace for me. I stopped thinking logically at times & just did it (it being whatever I wanted). This year I learned to not only be okay with not being okay, but also how to enjoy me when I don’t have anyone to call for comfort or camaraderie. The peace I experienced came from just being me in a space & time that did not include others.  

Introspection in this last month has been eye opening & life changing in a way that I’ve been having a hard time explaining. It’s like I’m happy & living a life that I enjoy all while everything around me is falling apart. I know many people say at the end of a year how great the next year coming up will be, but I believe that for what I’ve sacrificed & prayed for, 2020 will be a year of the unexpected & expected “YES.”

At the end of all of this, 2019 has taught me how to be me. I wasted so many years of my life trying to be what/who people thought I should be & it got tiring & led to a lot of depressive times & moments. It taught me to be selfish with my love & to not give my heart so freely to those who aren’t deemed worthy. This year, although I still have a VERY long way to go, I learned to be ME. To feel actual feelings. To exist in a space that is all my own. To be unapologetic in chasing my own happiness. To ultimately choose me in ALL things.

The things & people I lost this year, were all a casualty of BECOMING. I’m not sorry for that. The famous phrase “it is what it is” fits perfectly. I cannot make it anything other than what it is so I’m rolling with that until the wheels fall off.

Thank you all for being locked in with me this year. I can promise you 2020 I’m taking y’all for a ride so please stay ready so you don’t have to get ready!!

For the last time in 2019, Let Go & Let Love 

FOREVER GRATEFUL 

-Tee